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GRIEF & BEREAVEMENT

Ms. Bess Steiger, LCSW from Phelps Hospice spoke at the IC on April 30, 2017 for the first of our lecture series (below).

Bereavement, the loss of a loved one, can lead to intense grief, sometimes for long periods of time. Loss can take many forms: a spouse or partner, a parent, a child, perinatal, a grandchild, or a sibling.

The ensuing grief can be extraordinarily painful and difficult to bear. The questions that often come up are how long is it “normal” to be grieving and more importantly, how long will the grief last. The reality is that it varies from person to person, based on a variety of factors.

Social networks play a huge role in providing help. Sometimes this is not enough. It is beneficial to seek the help of support groups in Westchester that are run by professionals in grief counseling and fine-tuned to the type of loss and the age of the bereaved. It is often easier to share grief with strangers who are in a similar position and understand the pain, thus helping the healing process.

 

WESTCHESTER & ONLINE SUPPORT

This section lists local, professional groups that provide group grief counseling and have been vetted by peer organizations.

If you need individual counseling, please check with your primary doctor first. Some of the listed Westchester support groups also offer this service.

Our focus, however, is on local organizations that provide group therapy. Check the list below to find one that works best for you, contact them directly as some of the programs and new schedules might not be reflected on their website. After attending a session, if you are not comfortable, try another place.

1. BEREAVEMENT CENTER OF WESTCHESTER

Location: Scarsdale, Tree House program: Bronxville, Mt. Kisco

Services: Comprehensive, ongoing support for all types of loss: child, parent, sibling, spouse/partner, perinatal, suicide. Tree House program for children 4 - 18.

Cost: Tree House Program free. Adults: $120 for 10 group sessions, to be paid upfront. Individual counseling, $75 per session.

Remarks: Highly recommended by peers. Website has a good online library on grieving. Community outreach and education programs.

2. GILDA'S CLUB WESTCHESTER

Location: White Plains

Services: Cancer-related loss only. Has a community center. Ongoing emotional and social support for adults, kids and teens who have had a significant other in their lives die of cancer and also for those adults entering the next stage in their grieving process. There are workshops, lectures, healthy lifestyle programs, an art studio and social activities.

Cost: Free

Remarks: Highly recommended by peers. Provides a community for its members.

3. VNA HOSPICE CARE IN WESTCHESTER AND PUTNAM

Location: Yorktown, Carmel, Mount Kisco, Tarrytown

Services: Offers many bereavement support programs for children, families and adults throughout Westchester - both general and tailored to specific types of loss: spouse, multiple losses, child, perinatal, parent (young adult).

Cost: Not available

Remarks: Workshops are periodically offered - topics include "Coping with the Holidays," Writing Through Grief," and “Cooking for One."

4. HOSPICE OF WESTCHESTER

Location: White Plains

Services: Loss-specific support groups for adults, such as parent, spouse or sibling, also someone who lost a spouse more than a year ago. Special program for children, teens, caregivers and parents. Programs run for 8-10 weeks, and are repeated every few months. An assessment is required for group participation.

Cost: $10 per group session. $20 for individual counseling.

Remarks: Website offers a library of articles on grief and healing.

5. PHELPS HOSPITAL NEW BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT GROUP FOR ADULTS

Location: Sleepy Hollow

Services: Provides support for adults dealing with the loss of a loved one. Pre-registration is required.

Cost: $10 per group session. Free family and individual counseling on a short-term basis.

6. WESTCHESTER JEWISH COMMUNITY SERVICES

Location: White Plains, Hartsdale

Services: Open to all. SIDS group and Suicide bereavement groups. Other services may be available, contact them directly.

Cost: $5 per group session

7. COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS - ONLINE SELF HELP

Location: Online, White Plains

Services: Loss of child of any age. Self help group, part of nationwide organization. Online, moderated chat rooms and private Facebook groups. Also meets monthly in White Plains (914-381-3389).

 

Reference

  1. There is a reference library of thoughtful articles on all aspects of grief based on age and type of loss, as well as techniques for healing. It is aptly called Grief Words. It can be accessed through the website of one of our listed resources, Hospice of Westchester. Scroll to the bottom of the displayed page and click on Griefwords Library.

  2. Many of the websites of the listed Westchester support groups provide useful information on grief.

  3. The Dougy Center The National Center for Grieving Center for Families, has a resources section that focuses on helping kids, teenagers, young adults and adults.

  6. Below is an article published in the Wall Street Journal by Diane Cole:

Recommended New Books for Those Who Are Grieving By Diane Cole April 23, 2017 Living entails experiencing the pain of loss, illness or other setbacks, both our own and of those we care about. But continuing to live also means finding ways to go on. Several new books on grief and resilience present a broad range of stories, strategies and perspectives on coping, enduring and going forward.

“Resilient Grieving” By Lucy Hone, The Experiment Publishing There is no “correct” way to mourn, Lucy Hone writes in her hybrid self-help guide and memoir. Ms. Hone, who lost her 12-year-old daughter, Abi, in a car crash, is a New Zealand-based psychologist. Her metaphor for life after loss is both powerful and apt: Think of it as a scattered jigsaw puzzle, where the pieces of one’s former life have been scattered and now must be reconfigured in a new way. To help readers begin that task, Ms. Hone not only tells her own story, she provides exercises and checklists to encourage qualities that research suggests can help people adapt to change. These include aspiring to a less rigid, more flexible thinking style (go ahead and laugh if you remember funny stories that help connect you to what you loved about the person you lost), and trying for a perspective that will acknowledge the sadness of the present while holding on to a sense of possibility for the future. Ms. Hone concludes that, as hard as getting though each day can be, our experience, over time, can bring about greater compassion and deeper appreciation of life’s preciousness, and lead us to re-evaluate our purpose or priorities.

“Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy” By Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, Knopf Being among the most powerful women in the world didn't spare Facebook chief operating officer and best-selling author Sheryl Sandberg from the sudden death of her husband, not quite two years ago. “Option B,” co-written by psychologist Adam Grant, is at its best when pinpointing specific tips for coping with overwhelming grief. Ms. Sandberg writes how she created new rituals, such as taking a moment at dinner each evening to express gratitude for something positive that day, and declaring “small wins” (such as being able to work, or enjoying a movie or the company of friends). Day by day, the book says, these small victories can become the building blocks to a return to emotional equanimity. Ms. Sandberg writes that keeping a journal allowed her to articulate, reframe and begin to understand the most troubling and negative emotions that she battled. Having friends and family members record their memories of the deceased, creating a personalized oral history, also can provide a lasting legacy, she says. For all of its helpful advice, the book is a whirlwind journey that at times tries to do too much—zigzagging from Ms. Sandberg’s personal story to those of others, recapping psychological research, offering career advice and commenting on current affairs. It can be hard to take in all at once.

“Guesswork: A Reckoning With Loss” By Martha Cooley, Catapult Publishing For a contrasting calm, Martha Cooley has produced a precisely rendered memoir. Prof. Cooley interweaves lyrical meditations on the distinctive beauty of a tiny Italian village, where she and her husband spend a sabbatical, with introspective musings triggered by the failing health of her elderly parents. Through evocative imagery and invocations of the poetry of Eliot, Dickinson and Whitman, she reminds us that art can bring solace and clarity to the greatest pain. A professor of English at Adelphi University in New York, she discovers a new appreciation of nature’s ongoing cycles of life, decay and rebirth amid the streams and fields of Italy, and shares her observations about the habitats of birds, bees and stray cats galore. The once grand but now picturesquely shabby Medieval castle at the center of her town teaches her a deeper respect for the passage of time and history. By the end of the couple’s stay, Prof. Cooley has learned to live more comfortably with the memories of lost friends whose presence she still feels, and has incorporated the knowledge that her parents’ voices will similarly continue to resonate within her.

“There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love” By Kelsey Crowe, Ph.D., and Emily McDowell, Harper One Psychologist Kelsey Crowe and co-author and illustrator Emily McDowell, the creator of a line of empathy cards, offer insights into those awkward times when friends and family freeze, not knowing what to say or how to help in times of loss. It isn’t necessarily because they are cold or uncaring, Dr. Crowe says. Often, they are afraid of intruding, of saying the wrong thing, of opening the door to being asked to do more than their already busy schedule allows, of being reminded of their own vulnerability. With a light touch, clever illustrations and colorful typefaces, this book presents a detailed course in the etiquette of compassion. There is no scolding. There are only solutions. Simply asking how things are going is often a good start, the authors say. Chapters walk readers through lessons in listening with empathy and list ways to offer support without imposing yourself. The book can become repetitious, but there’s no missing its bottom line: Whether it’s in person or by other means, show up.

“On Living” By Kerry Egan, Riverhead This isn’t a self-help book, but in its own way it inspires and instructs. Ms. Egan, a hospice chaplain, has a down-to-earth, never-preachy style. She writes about suffering, kindness and finding meaning as she intertwines the heartfelt stories she hears in her hospice work with her own struggles recovering from a prolonged psychotic disorder caused by the ketamine administered to her during a C-section. The best antidote to suffering is the kindness of another human being, she writes. And one such kindness is to listen with empathy and attention as people relate the stories that gave their lives meaning, or struggle to reframe the regrets and pain that continue to unsettle them. Most interesting, although she is a chaplain, few of her conversations end up being about religion per se, she says. Instead they are about family and relationships—the more personal arena in which questions about faith, doubt and meaning are grounded. “If there is any great difference between the people who know they are dying and the rest of us, it’s this,” she writes. “They know they’re running out of time.“ This is why the main subject of her book isn’t death, but life: “Become who you want to be while you can enjoy it,” she concludes. “Time is short.” Ms. Cole is a writer in New York City. She can be reached at reports@wsj.com.

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